Mommy knew it from the right beginning. Evidently, not the beginning of the outbreak, but the beginning of the national attention on the outbreak.
Jan. 18th, the equivalent of Dr. Fauci confirmed it could be spread to humans by human contact. From then, many special reports from various news agencies came out somehow, educating people about the virus.
Jan. 23rd, the sudden and complete lockdown, thus chaos online.
You see, mommy has been maintaining a public profile online, usually, people find me and talk with me, anonymously mostly. About India and Indian culture, about relationships and women issues etc.
During that time, exactly from Jan. 23rd on, I found myself constantly receiving messages and information from all walks of life, mostly people I met online. Journalists, researchers, students, mothers, ordinary people under lockdown. People were just afraid and trying to help each other by sharing information.
I am not feeling ashamed to admit, I had been crying for that whole week. Mostly because of the scary scenes and stats shared among the online community, also because of the uncertainty of the future and the worry about the people there, especially the people who were suffering and fighting.
My hands and even my whole body would start to tremble when the messages started to come in during morning hours, while we were at night here.
I stayed up to at least 3, 4 am each night, some nights the whole night. Combing through seas of information, trying to understand and identify what was trustworthy, what was fake, what was true.
Now it has turned out, most of that information was not fake. Maybe some of it was not professional, but not fake. It was all first-handed citizen journalism which were automatically categorized as “rumors”.
Meanwhile, outside, nobody noticed anything. I felt the responsibility for me to speak out and warn the others. If not me, then who?
So I talked to the teachers and staff at both of your schools, urging them to follow the news on this issue. I called friends to warn them, sent messages individually and in groups. I posted on my social media about it, airing my concerns, hoping more people will be alarmed and start to get prepared.
In my opinion, this is going to go sooner or later, globally. Considering the nature of the virus, the timing and the global village that we are living in now.
I also called the doctors’ office, even CDC, trying to get some updates from them, as well as giving my concerns about a potential outbreak in the whole world.
But as how quiet it was at that time, my voice sounded like a “crazy woman who was too idle to be addicted to social media and detached from society”. Yes, that is one of my tags all along.
[But by the way, no housewife is truly idle and empty-headed as people would tell you, they are busier than anybody I know and their job of raising children is the greatest job in the whole world, always remember that. ]
Sadly, people measure you with a ruler. What are they measuring? Money. You don’t earn a dollar? You have no value. Your thoughts don’t matter.
Don’t get me wrong, I did get positive feedback from the schools and some friends. The school staff appreciated my concern and reassured me that they would do everything to protect our children.
But I did self-doubting, self-shaming, as well as self-censoring.
Am I crazy? Am I addicted to social media? Am I short-sighted and one-sided? Am I easily emotionally hijacked? Am I buying into the rumors and fake news unwisely? I am just a housewife with no job, after all.
“Don’t send more messages and emails to anybody else anymore. Don’t talk to anybody like that anymore! And stay away from social media.” Said your papa, judging from the news trend from the major news agencies around the world at that time.
I also quietly deleted all of the posts that I tried to warn the others. In the end I don’t want people to see me as a crazy woman who has bad judgment and can’t keep her calm.
A little less than 2 weeks after the Jan. 23rd lockdown, more and more global news started to cover this issue. But mainly very positive news, praising the transparency and efforts, from the big officials in big countries and big organizations globally.
Meanwhile, in the online community, the window of free information flow ended without a struggle, praising and applauding had started quietly.
I also felt much better emotionally, not so much worried anymore. Seeing alerts were raised, actions were taken, things were under control.
At the very beginning of February, by then, the online community was already very educated about it. I posted one “all about it” post that I didn’t end up deleting, included the facts such as “20% to 30% have no symptoms but are able to spread”, “it’s airborne, spreads by breath and touch, by contact in the eyes too”, “70% alcohol kills it” etc.
However, for the whole month of February, our life here was still quiet and intact. Everything was as usual. I was able to throw this all behind me, thinking I was just a crazy mommy who was on the edge.
But I did take action for my own family. We didn’t celebrate the lunar new year at all. I avoided taking you to any of the crowded places and gathering. I was able to get the last stock of multiple-use N95 masks for all of our family members. The one-time-use masks were out of stock from the end of January.
I also didn’t allow your papa to take public transportations to work for the whole month of February and the first half of March until the “shelter to place” order, even though we had to fight every other day about it.
I stocked up some hand sanitizers and cleaning products that were enough for the whole family for a few months to come. I also started to stock up on household and food items, each time a little bit when I visited the grocery stores, so, later on, I indeed successfully avoided the crowd and the long line.
I was still messaging my friends to urge them on protection and food security since most of them have young children and elders in the family.
But that was all I could do, and I thought was not inappropriate to do.
Now, what does the world look like? Find any person on the planet he/she can tell you the numbers.
Every day we pray for the lives that are lost and we pray for the people who are fighting this war for us.
Earlier I wanted to take you out from school just to be healthy and safe, now we are facing months of no school and outdoor activities.
When we can be out free and safe again? What is the long term effect going to be on you? What is the world going to be like after this? When will it be the end of it anyways? Nobody knows.
Why am I telling you all this? Simply documenting a special time of the century, and our role in it. It is what it is, I am not trying to blame anybody for anything.
I just want you both to remember: always be true to yourself and always have the courage in you to speak up, no matter what people are saying to you.
I want you both to remember if you ever want to measure any person or anything, measure it not with money or materials, measure it for honesty, integrity, and kindness.
We are surely going to overcome it, and I do hope after this, we all will be a little more mature and experienced.
Time will always testify for the hearts that are kind, pure and compassionate.
Light will eventually defeat the darkness.
Stay strong and be yourself.
Love, Mommy
April 9th, 2020
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